embrace the mulligan

sometimes we all need a do-over.
as i sit here, the grey beast asleep by my feet, the tinge of smoke still in the air, i wonder.
some people look at me and probably think 'poor girl, she's all alone' and others may look in amusement 'wow, she's living a life i never could/did'
i know i am independent. a spirit. weird in some ways that can't be explained. the sixth sense child would understand. or maybe not. i don't know.
it's the middle of december and i'm eating a banana popsicle. left over from a summer impulse buy.
i speak a cryptic code that frustrates many. i amuse myself.
not out loud funny, but more witty.
not the most talented person (and am reminded of that by some continually). it's rare i'm asked to play in other's reindeer games, but that's okay. i have a close circle of friends. i like to keep things tight. if i let you in, then you're 'in'.
you may ask about my past, and maybe i'll tell you. it's a fine line what i choose to indulge, and what i'd rather keep to myself.
i have my vices, as does everyone. some are obvious, but most are internal.
someone once told me to 'dance with my demons'. at the time, i wasn't sure what she meant, but i'm learning.
i know i am strong. much stronger than anyone would know. and yet, sometimes, i feel so weak.
to be vulnerable is a bitch.
tears are not weakness, but can be misleading.
my life hasn't be extraordinary, but it surely hasn't been 'normal'.
this is a stream of consciousness.

this is my mulligan.

embrace the tag

i had almost forgotten about this place.

here's the deal:
*Link to the person that tagged you.
*Post the rules on your blog.
*Share six interesting things/habits/quirks about yourself - anything that comes to mind
i don't have 6 friends to tag. sorry.

1) i was born left handed, and taught myself to write with my right hand. i am now ambidextrous.

2) my mom told me i was singing before i was talking. she would sing 'rock-a-bye baby' and i would hum it back to her (as an infant).

3) i used to ice skate at the same skating rink as scott hamilton. before he won the gold at the olympics.

4) aside from becoming the rock star (that we all know i am), i would love to do something in the field of equine therapy (horseback riding therapy for those with special needs).

5) i bite my lip or tug on my hair when i'm deep in thought.

6) i do not like things around my neck. turtlenecks, ties, chokers, UGH!!! even if i'm getting a massage, i will become tense when my neck is touched. it takes a minute for me to relax.

i loves me some nuggets

that is k.c. she loved nuggets, so much so she would climb into then mcdonald's bag and try to get them. her whole body was inside the bag before i took this picture, then she backed out, but i enticed her and she stuck her head back in.

she died on saturday.
it has been miserable and yet, somehow, a relief.
you see, she has been sick.. and it came on rather quickly. liver and kidney issues. about a month ago she became really sick and i had her at the vet for about a week. she wouldn't eat or drink.. but then she started getting better.
i took her home with her prescription meds, her prescription food, and a subdermal fluid pack (it looks like an iv, but instead of giving her fluids through her viens, you give her fluids under her skin).
she started drinking almost immediately (which is better than when she was at the vets), and she began to eat.
then all of a sudden, she stopped.
and she got skinny. and i could tell her days were numbered.
then on saturday, i picked her up and she went into cardiac arrest, so i laid her on the bathroom floor and watched her little body go limp.
she was still breathing when i got her in her cat carrier, but she died before i got to the vet (where i would have had her put down).
her collar is still in my car, and the little bell was jingling all the way home from the vet.
needless to say, i was destroyed.
so i laid down in bed to take a nap, and the other cat (gemini) came up to me and laid down right beside me.. and her eyes were bright yellow, and i swear it was k.c. taking one last nap.
**
and now i must move on. i mean, i know she was just a cat. to many it makes no sense to be distraught over an animal.
but she was more than that to me.
and i don't think i can ever explain it.
and i don't think i have to.

these are the people

in my neighborhood.. ..

okay, here is the cast of characters at my new job:

buddy- he's the one who told me about this job and talked me up to the hiring manager. we've known each other for some time. we worked at the phone company together, and he's seen me through some major trauma. he's 6'7", and not petite. he's a great guy, with a new (8 months?) daughter who sparkles. he likes to know how to do everything (like me) and he likes being the 'go to guy', however, he gets tired of people bombarding him with questions... but between you all and me.. he likes it that way.

bosslady- she's officially my boss. she seems very sweet and is a good buffer between us and the director. she's still learning her job (she's been here about 3 months?), and sometimes she seems to get distracted by small talk and not the job at hand. she seems compitent, but needs to figure out the answers on her own instead of running to buddy.

directorman- umm.. he's gonna be the guy you see on t.v. or read about where everyone says 'he seemed so normal. i never knew he was so close to going postal on the neighborhood' he also likes to talk about himself.

newguy- he started a couple of days before me in this dept, so we've had to go through training together. i am working in payroll now, and he's used to being a one man payroll show. so he understands the payroll laws, and taxes, and shit like that. whereas, i do NOT know this, but i'm pretty good with any (computerized) system you throw in front of me. so, being that we have to learn all of the payroll on the corporate platform, he gets frustrated easily. he's been married several times (as far as i can tell). he seems pretty nice, and even though he doesn't get most of my 'jokes' (i know, i've got a dry sense of humor), every now and then he comes up with a zinger. oh.. and he has no left ear.

hen1- that's one of the established coworkers. she's an older lady. i found out she's been married for 37 years. wow. she's not all that computer literate (she admitted). she doesn't like to train people.. and it seems she has a question limit (like if i ask 3 questions, that's okay, but if i ask 4, than that's NOT okay). she's worked here for 8 years. she doesn't come across as the friendliest person, but she's okay. however, me thinks i should watch my back around her. she doesn't like the 'young ens' coming in on her turf. she is also in cahoots with...

hen2- she has ALSO been at this job for 8 years. yes, the job.. hens 1&2 have been in this same dept for 8 flippin' years. this leads me to believe that neither like change, and having 2 new people start at once must be throwing their feathers in a bunch. ANYhooo.. hen2. she's quiet. and i think she'd be the trouble i'd encounter. apparently she keeps track of people's vacations in the dept. not because she has to, but because she's weird. when i look at her, i see a gal who is trying to make it appear as if she's got it together on the outside, but is desperate on the inside. she has a grey cloud surrounding her. i think she could be part evil. i'm not sure.
both hens are lost when either of them are gone..leaving them to face the wrath that is the rest of the workgroup.

rest o crew- these are the people that i have to deal with on a daily basis. whether it be for a special check request, or a stock transaction.. or whathaveyou. some of them are really nice and have a great sense of humor.. and then there are some.. some who i believe are going to drive me to drink.. ... .... ... more.
pretty soon i'll incorporate these folks in my blog.
rock on!