embrace the mulligan

sometimes we all need a do-over.
as i sit here, the grey beast asleep by my feet, the tinge of smoke still in the air, i wonder.
some people look at me and probably think 'poor girl, she's all alone' and others may look in amusement 'wow, she's living a life i never could/did'
i know i am independent. a spirit. weird in some ways that can't be explained. the sixth sense child would understand. or maybe not. i don't know.
it's the middle of december and i'm eating a banana popsicle. left over from a summer impulse buy.
i speak a cryptic code that frustrates many. i amuse myself.
not out loud funny, but more witty.
not the most talented person (and am reminded of that by some continually). it's rare i'm asked to play in other's reindeer games, but that's okay. i have a close circle of friends. i like to keep things tight. if i let you in, then you're 'in'.
you may ask about my past, and maybe i'll tell you. it's a fine line what i choose to indulge, and what i'd rather keep to myself.
i have my vices, as does everyone. some are obvious, but most are internal.
someone once told me to 'dance with my demons'. at the time, i wasn't sure what she meant, but i'm learning.
i know i am strong. much stronger than anyone would know. and yet, sometimes, i feel so weak.
to be vulnerable is a bitch.
tears are not weakness, but can be misleading.
my life hasn't be extraordinary, but it surely hasn't been 'normal'.
this is a stream of consciousness.

this is my mulligan.